honesty
by lokogato-sama
Summary: Iruka is never very honest with himself. [IruKaka, character death] [1234 words]


Loko: It … um … IruKaka. Because sensei-loving needs more angst. u.u;

Summary: Iruka is never very honest with himself.

Disclaimer: Kishimoto-san was the first to come up with the idea of Iruka-sensei and Kaka-sensei being Team 7's Mom and Dad respectively, not me. All credit therefore belongs to him.

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honesty

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(honesty)

Iruka is never very honest with himself.

For example, he does not admit to himself that, should Kakashi-sensei stop coming to his house at odd hours of the night and day, he would in fact be somewhat disappointed.

Kakashi-sensei has a tendency to come in just as Iruka is about to do something important -- just before he puts the noodles in the pot to make udon, or just before he turns the heat off as the oil is smoking, or just before he steps into a tub of hot water. Iruka usually has to clean something after Kakashi-sensei leaves (in addition to his clothes, which he doesn't think about); a pot coated in black burns, a bathroom with a small lake instead of a floor.

Iruka does not admit to himself that, really, he doesn't _care_ if his clothes are crumpled into a ball somewhere or if the pot never shines again, as long as he has some indication that Kakashi-sensei was there at all beyond the harsh red marks from his jaw to -- beyond things that will fade in a few days.

(sight)

There are a lot of things Iruka doesn't really think about anymore.

There are the obvious things that have submerged themselves into his subconscious and then his id: making the bed in the morning, bringing an apple to work for whichever of his students has forgotten a lunch, locking the classroom at the end of the day, and checking in on Naruto (or, more frequently these days, Naruto's empty flat; Iruka doesn't think about this either) before he goes home.

There are the things he consciously avoids thinking about.

He does not think about how it took Kakashi-sensei one glance to realise which one of his team needed the most teaching and which one needed the most guidance and which needed simple reassurance. He does not think about how it took him years to realise that Naruto wanted a family, and he does not think about how he never saw Sasuke's pain behind his dark eyes and bright talent.

He does not think about the fact that he never made jounin, and he does not think about how this frees him from what Kakashi-sensei does. He pretends that Kakashi-sensei visits the monument with the same infrequency as he does, that Kakashi-sensei visits the monument only for one or two people, as he does.

He does not think about how Naruto no longer comes to him for help, and that Naruto will disappear and reappear and that all Iruka can do, now, is order him ramen and hope that Naruto doesn't think the mission too dangerous or too bloody to tell Iruka about it.

He does not think about the sheer bliss he feels when Kakashi-sensei returns from a mission, pops into Iruka's house, sits on the couch and waits for Iruka to make tea and sit next to him.

He does not think about the fact that Kakashi-sensei will sometimes appear in his bedroom with the moon high and bright through his silver hair, nor about how Kakashi-sensei does not allow Iruka to grab for lube and he especially does not think about the tight lines all down Kakashi-sensei's back as he forces himself back onto Iruka and does not let Iruka look at him or touch him any more than necessary to keep them both moving.

He does not think about the fact that he and Kakashi-sensei have never kissed, because Kakashi-sensei has never taken off his mask. (And he does not think about how, really, he is still terrified of Hatake Kakashi.)

When they meet at the monument, which happens once in a while -- and Iruka suspects only through Kakashi-sensei's design -- he does not think about how _young_ all of them were, and he does not wonder how they died, and he does not wonder how he might have saved them.

He does think that this last might be okay, because he's pretty sure Kakashi-sensei does more than enough thinking there for two people.

(insight)

If he's honest with himself, Iruka knows a good deal more than most people do and always has.

Like: he knows that it is unhealthy for Sakura-chan and Naruto to focus so exclusively on one person when a war is looming and they should be training to overcome _everything_.

Like: he knows or has known every one of the up-and-coming generation of ninja, and he knows that they are all far too young to be in any of this, and that none of them have grown up in war the way the previous generation had, and that boys with grudges and girls with crushes are no match for the world outside of Konoha.

And he knows that if Konoha does not resolve what is hidden behind its own gates, there is little it can do to resolve what is brewing beyond them.

And he's always known that there is loneliness, and there is the blinding excruciating pain of _being alone_. And he's always known that there is no real _being alone_, and he's always known that there were too many he should have -- could have -- extended a hand to or bought a bowl of ramen for or just smiled at more often.

And he knows that Konohagakure is no place to grow up, and he knows that there is no choice. And he knows that statistically most jounin are dead before they reach Kakashi-sensei's age, and he knows that Kakashi-sensei visits the cenotaph every day he is in Konoha, and he _knows_ that Kakashi-sensei wonders if he could have saved his names, because he sometimes hears Kakashi-sensei mumbling into his mask as they press into the mattress:

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

Iruka knows this: he's had more happiness than anyone else in this village, of his generation or the next, and he deserves it the least.

(soulsight)

If he's honest with himself, Iruka _knows_ this: if he puts his arms around Kakashi-sensei the next time he comes and does not let go, Kakashi-sensei will not leave, and dawn will find them washed in sunlight instead of the blood-darkness of night.

If he's honest with himself, Iruka _knows_ this: if he wants, he can have everything Hatake Kakashi has to give. And everything that is Hatake Kakashi will come with him, and Iruka knows that he can smooth it out until it makes sense and that he's the only one who _can_.

(truth)

Iruka is never very honest with himself.

He does not admit that, when they have disentangled and Kakashi-sensei leaves and the bed is lighter, his relief is as palpable as his breath against the cooling pillow.

(light)

When he visits the cenotaph every day after lunch, Iruka does not admit that his fingers tracing the graceful and awkward name are warm with blood that has mingled regret with relief until both taste the same, and that each time he promises never to forget he lets another sensation -- the slide of skin, the silent eyes -- slip away into the wind.

He never has been honest with himself.

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1234 words

That was a really cool wordcount. And Loko will be shot for inanity in one … two … three … (before she is executed, please leave some reviews; this is her dying wish. Concrit highly, highly valued!)

Loko


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